A Long Weekend

soooo what i’ve been up to lately:

(i’ll give you the uglies first, then hopefully u’ll end this reading with a smile if you see my tags u find an ultimate combo)

i dunno… feel emotionally just dead, tired, aching… i mean it’s probably not the first time that it’s gotten this bad… but it’s bothering me a lot more than i expected this time… maybe it’s because of how stupid this whole situation is to begin with… but then again when was it not stupid when something like this happens. it makes me really want to scream “HALLO!!! you guys are like 50 years old. GROW UP ALREADY!!!!” but no, i hint it she goes, even if i am to be told this, you’re not in the position to say it (because you’re lower on the Confucian social rank) and he?…. argh!!!

despite it all, seeing how for her, after she blew the whole thing up… it has just come down to jealousy… nasty spiteful, spitting jealousy… feeling that she had been wronged and hurt… i actually think that perhaps their marriage wasn’t as dead as it seemed? i mean it’s in danger right now (obviously) but it’s fighting right now meaning it’s not DEAD, but hahas in the last minute struggle before it does? i actually believe that deep in despite however ridiculously they ended up married and whatever stupid comments about him that she makes… she… loves him… at least a little? he on the other hand… i have no clue… maybe it’s because we’re too alike… we can care less for too many things… if there is anything that they need to learn, they need to learn to love each other, because only then will they get to be patient and forgive each other for the stupid stuff that they do

but seriously, if i’m someone who can care less about these people why is it bothering me so much? if i’m as cold-hearted as they say then why am i so tired out by this? why did it get bad enough that someone noticed just by looking at my face that something was wrong when i thought i had already hid it well enough? why do i feel an aching creeping out from every bone in my body when i think of this? why do i struggle to hold back tears or actually sobbed on the street, even though i managed to do it silently, when he talked about it as if it was nothing and he’s friggin fine if she leaves?… why? this is one of the things that pisses me off… because i’ve always thought that i was the kind of person that they said i was… i was actually expecting the difficulties and pain when i have my own family and i remember and struggle to learn how to love each one of them… when i “can’t” in my youth… ack….

the funnies:
soooo on saturday it was just me, my dad, and my sis… so dad decides to take us out to lunch and afterwards to the area around floyd benedict (sorry if i misspell this hahas) and then…. he told me to take the driver’s seat!! XDDD i mean considering that i’ve never even sat in it before… so yeah he tried to teach me the basics, remembering which is the brakes, which is the gas peddle and not to confuse them especially in emergency and ur panicking hahas, it took a while before he actually let me move the car… even then it was on Drive but no stepping on the gas, i even had to press the brake to make it inch even slower. it was a pretty small parking lot so i was just trying to get used to the steering wheel and brakes all that basic stuff hehes he keeps telling me “no~~~ you’re going too fast! slow down!!” but i just let the brakes go a little more!! XD eventually i gained enough confidence to press the gas a tinieee bit teehees. ^___________^ he said that he was pretty impressed with my learning pace =D i just need to figure out how to stop the car without the jolt =P heyyy at least i can kinda park (in an empty parking lot… shhhhhh) straight =x teehee anddd i didn’t hit anything… not bad control for a first-time XD

“Dad, i’m going to be free on fridays…. you’ll take me out here to drive some more… right?” evil grin* >=D

his response: “uh… haha” (me: an even “eviler” grin)

teehee

What has been bothering me lately…

Take 2- hahahahahahas XD one time…. maybe once i’ll go and do something like that, open up with a title like this and leave it blank as a post itself XD lol but not this time

well yeah…

Take 3-… hahas yes, you should wonder with me, how many days is it going to take for me  to actually finish this post

anywayssss if i am to actually summarize the stuff that has been running through my mind lately… i think i’d go crazy… the most notable part of this experience lately is just how consistently i’m being put in the position of reexamining my beliefs again and again… first it was the theological debate on a Facebook group for the Sichaun earthquake that I got myself into… when at first all i did was just request respect from one of the debaters whose bad-mouthing was getting on my nerves… the whole debate was quite exasperating… but it opened me up to more varying perspectives on Christianity… from historical accuracy, logical thinking, the role of the “hypocrites,” the history of those who have declared themselves followers of Christ (whether it is true or not deep inside, the bloody details, etc.), the “Jesus Myth” (=_=;;; <– this sums up my view on it), to stuff like is God really loving at all? why is all this bad stuff happening…. etc. stuff i thought that I had resolved long ago

… and it comes up again… it does crazy stuff to your brain i can tell you this much… and i’ve tried very hard to keep a clear head… and to grab hold to my faith as well… did i forget to mention that it was super hard?

a lot has been happening lately… news of what is going on at my friend’s church partially because of several girls there, whom I know well enough to talk deeply with and give advice to…. addition of a brother to the Alpha leadership group… and then his currently (and frustratingly) mysterious role in our core group… dealing with the rest of the leaders in this group…. the deaths of a grandmother of several of our kiddies, and of my friend’s grandfather… i mean it’s not like it literally effected ME personally… but for some reason and not necessarily a bad thing) my heart seems to be much more sensitive to these things… like they hurt… i hurt with them more than i use to… and it effects my head more too… yikes~

some of the questions (they’re really tuff and challenging) that came up from the debate (directly or indirectly), i have to admit, are really intimidating… they make me afraid of trying to find the answers to them, like reading that growing list of books that argue against my faith and dismiss it as lunacy (provoking inevitably a bit of anger at the beginning), makes me tired of figuring all this out… for once thinking has made my head hurt… i’m struggling to make a decision in the midst of this fear, the urge to find out the truth myself and then just revealing the errors in their argument… i mean the possibility of this statement coming true, that itself is making me struggle to believe in it myself… blablabla

yeah as you see it is hitting me pretty hard…

the debate dragged out for about TWO WEEKS… wore me out… but in the midst of it, i have to remind you guys, He still showed that He was there, however “small” those “hints” seemed to be… 1- you guys have no idea how relieved i was when the responses to what i said in the debate died down since the previous Friday… i guess He is telling me to take a break… and then focus more on the people around me who needs me to show God’s love to them…. 2- i can’t say i’m completely agreeing with its background theological idea… but it is still very beautiful… this short comic strip i saw on Sam’s blog and it brought to me again the awe in realizing how loving My God is…. 3- i saw this awesome video today and lol it made me cry, props to Peter Ong… yes, He is Alive, among us, and working!

so yes, that is an update to what has been swimming in my mind…

now back to work/kr lyric translating/drawing project using ppl’s photos….. teehee =]

Looking more hopeful here (hahas)

What I’m reading right now (finally! some serious reading lol):

Invitation to Lead: Guidance for Emerging Asian American Leaders by Paul Tokunaga

I know I know, a title that may raise some eyebrows but whatever. Bought it at the “Mission Possible” Conference last… October? never touched it though so it is still nice and new looking hehes. I can barely remember how the author looked like or how his speaking was (he was there at the conference and I was helping in the back managing the little bookstore (yeah i helped myself to a few of his books). The covers of his books may seem a little intimidating with the solemness of the colors and design but the inside is nothing like the dry and burdensome feeling that its cover suggests; I cannot count how many times I gasped for air so I could hold in my laughter and not embarrass myself in public *sheepish* But not that this book was entirely all jokes either, its title says “Guidance for…. LEADERS” a book on leadership so it has a healthy amount of seriousness…. or more aptly put, a healthy dose of lightheartedness and candidness for a topic of such importance. Paul’s words beckoning me right now to reread the book (i’m half-way in) so I can really get out of the book all that Paul has to offer…. or more accurately what Daddy has to say to me through this Paul. He certainly has me on my toes in excitement.

I am the master of running away if I may say so… I will only take the jobs that I want to take and the rest causes me headaches that I am not wiling to bear. But something inside keeps telling me to confront the mess that exists in Alpha right now (partly if not mostly a product of my faults)… and that’s why I picked up this book again ^^;; It’s not even because the titles points to Asian Americans (and me being such a FOB that I prefer not to include the “American” part), but that Paul brings you back to the very basics of being a Leader (something I still squirm at because I seriously wonder if this is indeed His will for me long-term)… I mean the FUNDAMENTAL aspects of one, but that he made it more understandable and applicable by examining it in an “Asian” perspective.

dang… i realize i’m writing a book review here…

but as I reread this book and jot down what I’ve been getting out of it, I’ll be sure to share =3

so this is what I hope to bring to your attention: after hearing me complain countless times that I feel like a fish out of the water with Alpha, that you would come to share with me what probably part of God’s answer to my frustrations ^^;; (and I have to admit with a sigh of relief =P )

~Looking forward to it all ^-^

A breather

i look at the previous entry date- May 9th- and laugh….

i tried writing one this morning but then was stopped in the middle of it for work… came back to look at it.. and realize there’s nothing to write about anymore… it passed and i hope it stays that way=p

but i’m not going to put it behind just yet… not before i say this: Sorry guys for giving you such a hard time… u know ur noona/unnie always luvs u~ >.<

so… yeah… sick of writing about how i “suffer”

i want to write about fun that i had

i want to write about the blessings that God gave me, and the joy/bliss/glee?? that i have in my walk with Him… He promised it and i believe in Him to carry it out, adding to the fact that i had experienced it before… so i wait for a chance to share about those instead (lol that awkward part up there with the /’s hahas, simply this: words cannot describe it)

really excited about practicing more for Seekers’ Jesus Day “Band” as Sam calls it with my tongsaengs and kimchi harabeoji again next week (though prob not harabeoji, he says) miss them already XD

they really do remind me that I’m supposed to have Him in my life… and I’m trying to get a grip on it. Let’s hope i’ll keep striving >x<….

just need to keep in mind that it is PRAISE… not just practice

Finals week

dunno how much dumber i can get ^^;;;

basically not really in the mood to write without being whiny… maybe i’ll come up with something more constructive later on

(notice i keep pushing this thing back…) but i promise… i have one in mind ^^;; just… not now guys… not now…. ROAR stand up straight gurl and walk for goodness sake! =P

missing ppl bunches

Heyyy

^^;; ok so here’s my first…. still not quite sure why i started this but then… XD

so lost as to what i’m supposed to do with it… but hope ppl that i know in here can give me some help =P

and maybe this will be more read than my xanga >.<

need to get a ppr done so ttyl! =]